Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A Modest Proposal

ATTN:
Dear Sir/M,

I am Mr. Hank Paulson. A TREASURER of THE AMERICAN STATES(USA). I have the courage to Crave indulgence for this important business believing that you will never let me down either now or in the future. Some years ago, a Federal Reserve President commissioned a study that argued for enhanced mortgage technology to help the poor. It lent out 1,000,000,000,000,000.00 USD to assist in this matter, with innovative underwriting standards such as NINJA and Section 203(b) loans. This worked for almost a decade, but this time, upon maturity, the bank sent routine notifications to the various forwarding addresses but got few replies. After a year, the bank sent more reminders and finally contracted their companies, such as the FANNIE MAY, FREDDIE MAC, and THE BEARS STERN CORPORATION, among others, who all wrote to inform the bank that they all died without MAKING A WILL, and all attempts by the bank to trace the next of kin were fruitless. I therefore, made further investigation and discovered that the beneficiary was a single immigrant from Nigeria who had only recently obtained American citizenship. He did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents, including his Bank deposit paper work. Some idiots actually made payments on their mortgages, so that there is a remaining money total amount of $700B.USD (SEVEN HUNDRED BILLION US DOLLARS) still sitting in my bank as dormant Account. No one will ever come forward to claim it, and according to American Banking policy, after some years, the money will revert to the ownership of the AMERICAN Government if those account owners are certified dead. This is the situation, and my proposal that we buy it first, for the current price of $700B.USD, which is well below its market price of $17.6T.USD (as calculated by my cousin, the Honorable Benjamin Bernanke, Chief of Federal Reserve). All you have to do is write a blank check or give me your account anywhere in the world and send me its detail for me to arrange the proper money transfer paperwork, and facilitate the transfer. Once we buy the debt at cheap prices, my old colleagues at THE GOLDMAN SACKS company will most assuredly buy it from us for at least $2.3T within a couple year. The money will then be paid into the Account for us to share in the ratio of 60% for me, 35 %for you and 5% for expenses that might come up during transfer process. There is no risk at all, and all the paper work for this transaction will be done by me using my position and connections in the banks in America. This business transaction is guaranteed.And the first phase of the transfer will be ($100B.USD) ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS as advised by our insider in the bank. If you are interested, please reply immediately through my personal email sending the following details: (1) Your Full Name/Address (2) Your Private Telephone/fax Number (3) Bank Name (4) Account Number(s) (5) Bank Routing Number(s). Please observe the utmost confidentiality, and be rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest some of my share in your country. I look forward to your earliest reply.

Yours,
Mr.Hank Paulson

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

"The Tree of Free Market Enterprise must occasionally be fertilized by the bones of the impoverished."

J said...

Dear Hank

OUR COUNTER PROPOSAL TO YOUR CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL

I am the Hon. Dr. J. current President of the Central Bank Of Nigeria. First, dear Hank, I must solicit your strictest confidence in this transaction. This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and 'top secret'. In addition to being in the same business, I am glad to inform you that you have been recommended to me by an associate in GS who assured me in confidence of your reliability to prosecute a transaction of great magnitude involving transactions requiring maximum confidence.
Having acquired vast experience in this business of international banking, I daresay that while largely agreeing with your Cousin the Honorable Prof. Ben Bernanke's estimate of the worth of the package, 700 billion is not a fixed or final price. Banking on my experience with panicked nd/or greedy business partners, I say we should be able to acquire the whole package by a fraction of that amount. Should we convince the American public of the total and absolute worthlessness of the said credit package, and the vital national need to guarantee its payment, we could buy it in fire salvage terms. My offer is 6.99 American dollars paid cash on the barrel.
Should you agree to sell me the said package for the mentioned sum, the Nigerian government will take that worry away from you and your President, and we would restore the public's faith in the solidity of the American banking system and restore the normal flow of credit. Later, as the package is sold back to the American Government for what is worth, i.e. the sum estimated by your cousin, we would transfer YOU back 30% of all the monies received.
In order to commence this business we solicit your assistance to enable us transfer into your Bank's account the said payment, and to be absolutely sure of your commitment to this transaction, we ask you to send us a signed blank cheque of your bank. we would need also your private bank account details to transfer the 30% agreed above. Please, note that this transaction is 100% safe and we hope to commence the transfer latest Ten (10) banking days from the date. We are looking forward to doing this business with you and solicit your confidentiality in this transaction.
Remember this is a Deal so treat with utmost confidentiality.
Yours faithfully,
The Most Hon. Dr. J, OBE.

Anonymous said...

You must be on to something, this is from the LA Times:

SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR AMERICAN:

I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAMM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON

J said...

Dear Hank

OUR SECOND and LAST COUNTER PROPOSAL

As you remember, I am the Hon. Prof. Dr. J., OBE, President of the Central Bank Of Nigeria. Two days ago I submitted a counterproposal regarding the 700 B transfer. Two days is a very long time in our field of business and now I am forced to annul my proposal (6.99 dollar cash and 30% to you) and submit a second one on the following terms: We shall accept the 700 Billion Dollars transfer with a handling surcharge of 10% paid in advance to my London bankers. Additionally, you understand that you are losing creditworthiness by the minute, and we have it on good source that your foreign creditors are already scheduling their air tickets to Washington to claim back their money. In the current situation your commission has been reduced to 0.03% instead of 30%. Sorry. The Central Bank of Nigeria is unable to hold this proposal any longer than the time required to you reply, that is, it will caducate in three minutes. You can always turn to my good friend the President of El Banco Emisor de la Rep├║blica Centro Africana, in Buak├ę.

Please dont even think about becoming an illegal immigrant in Nigeria, as we Nigerians are known to be allergic to creative financial artistry.